eh.....

they're choking me again,
but i can't get them out if i dont know what they are
random messages from the past
i shouldnt have to keep them
like my torn up stinky baby blanket
and nothing seems to make sense anymore
but did they really ever?
cant convince those of what they dont believe
its all such a shame sometimes
and again i am left wondering
what it is i am lacking
that makes everyone so upset.
maybe i am just selfish
or maybe they demand too much?
who's to be the judge in this mired case?
even i would like to bow out.

its' been a while

do you ever get that nagging feeling - one day you wake up, and you realize, with regret, hope, joy, disdain, whatever, but some strong emotion- that things will never be the same again, and try as you might, you can never go back?

i always get this feeling every time the seasons change. for some wicked reason, the change of season, for me anyway, is always punctuated with something, some act, or event, that marks the change, brings on epiphany, and even though i turn my face or shun its light away, it's there, staring me blankly in the face; something i knew as true, but was not ready to admit, now glaringly refuses to let me be and i cant ignore it...and this is what is so scary... that once my life was a certain way, and i had become accustomed to it, resigned to live it as it was. then, one day, KAPLAOW! all that changes with something you would think so incosequential - THAT is the thing that turns your life upside-down, and now you're running scared, because you know that this is the way you wanted your life to be, YOU were the one who brought about the change, and now that you have it you are scared to death that YOU will ruin it!

So all you can do is try not to fuck this ONE thing up, because you know that's what you are SO good at, something you never fail at, is FUCKING THINGS UP.

Please don't fuck this up, Claire!

these dreams that i carry...

stupid words always get me in trouble. that's enough for today.

random stupid shit

Image via Wikipedia

Where to start...

I'm not sure I guess...

WHY is it so easy for me to just fall for someone without really knowing them and then the inevitable happens: one of us gets burned out; one of us doesn't feel the same; someone's feelings are bound to get hurt, and even though I try not to show it that person is usually me. On all counts. Especially the hurt feelings... I'm soooo frikin sensitive it annoys the everliving shit outta me, but that's just the way God made me, so whatever. Even now there is a lump growing in my throat.

I'm guilty of going full throttle way to fast and like a cheap ass 4th of July sparkler the spark is gone before you can say...pretty much anything.

And I think right now I just might be in one of my Pisces moods, ruminating over past errors and hurt, seriously NOT wanting to go through it again, but of course something in the back of my mind is telling me that this MIGHT be different! Oh shut the fuck up already!

I'm not sure what I want, I'm not sure what to do... as USUAL. I see too much of the good AND the bad and that always trips me up.

I think I have too much of the It's too good to be true syndrome, and it's scary. And I don't know how to slow it down. I have kids now so I am always looking forward and wondering how every fucking decision I make will effect them... especially when it comes to relationships. That is a MAJOR part of my issues.

Right now I think I am still capable of turning it around and forgetting this person. Something tells me I am lying to myself. I am just ridiculous. There is nothing better than the feeling of being loved and wanted by someone you want and love just as much.

You want to know where all this shit sprung up from? A mother fucking unreturned phone call. Petty, right? I need to learn to not blame people that I have in my life now for the mistakes of assholes I let take advantage of me. Words are words, and although you have been saying all the right things, I'm no fool.

Stupid boys and their stupid penises! Somebody tell me it's worth it.

will you

Image by Martha★ via Flickr

dont know why i picked this page
probably to hide it away
i'll write all these things of you
and tuck it away, never tell you

i'd think you'd see it all
when you'd look into my eyes
and when we kissed how it was
so electric

and that i've never seen
such a keen angel's face
looking at me, full of heavenly grace
and will you see all of that in me?

i'm not sure you'll ever know
of how this feeling grows
deep inside me, can't escape it
so here it is all for you
waiting so eagerly please tell me if
will you take it

another one

so here i am, it's before frikin 8 in the morning, and i'd like to know what the fuck brought ton the dream i had this morning...





well, it's starts (or the earliest part of the dream i can remember) with me and my kids walking around the desert. ...but, what the hell is this all over the floor? snow. yes, snow on the desert floor. okay absolutely NOTHING wrong with that picture, right? and i am with a group of older people just co' chillin' hiking along, when we start to ascend a hill... and at first there is a path, and then all of a sudden there is no path, and to get around to the other side of the hill we basically have to hug the hill with both hands and feet as to not fall to our deaths. lo' and behold, once we clear that obstacle, there is this huge white building with terra cotta roof tiles - very spanish style train station of the wild wild west. inside there seems to be a celebration of sorts, and i realize that it is my graduation. from college. everyone that i EVER went to school with is there... i mean peeps that i haven't seen since elementary, all the way up to people that i went to high school with and still keep in touch with.



...and there was ONE person i haven't thought of in YEARS... and as I was receiving my diploma which actually was like one of those pins they give the girls on Charm School with Ricki Lake handed over by a VERY tall and VERY girthy blond lady, i look over and there he is... my 7th grade math teacher? yes. Marquis Goodwin, my 7th grade math teacher HOTTIE that i had the absolute HUGEST crush on...and apparently still do...cause what was a bitch doing awake at 7 o'clock this morning but cyber-stalking this mofo to see if by any chance of the imagination this, shit, 40 something year-old has a facebook? or on a much smaller chance a myspace? no? ok, how about i google you? no! then some kid from some college who does track an field shows up...ok, how about anywho.com? yes! well, im not sure.. i mean, the address is in Henderson. it's not like i'm about to call and see if it's him, although if i was just ONE DEGREE crazier than i am, i so would have done it.





stupid fukin dream...



happy hump day y'all

the best

Image via Wikipedia

the chaos of my past still echoes
down the bottomless chasm of my mind it goes
i can't seem to shake that lingering feeling
and i wonder what your eyes aren't revealing
complications, eradication of who i used to be
only get swallowed up whole by what you can't see
i've tried to determine why you've left me so mercilessly
but all that's a lesson in futility

*just wait and see
you haven't gotten the best of me

never since have i been so inspired to leave
but the scent of your skin won't let me be
and all of the sweet moments we've dreamed
wrapped up in a spiderweb of mystery
so far gone and left in the oppressive heat of our vanity
and i can't fathom why you couldn't hear
all of the screams and the cries, but there's so much
more to me
it seems that once again i've failed to reach
the girl inside me that only you could see

*just wait and see
you haven't gotten the best of me